


What Could Have Been and What Won't Ever Be

by Eggsyobsessed



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff and Smut, Journal Entries, Lost Love, Love Confessions, Making Love, Marriage, Mentions of Harry Hart - Freeform, Mentions of PTSD, Post-Kingsman: The Golden Circle, mentions of merlin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-24 02:06:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16171397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggsyobsessed/pseuds/Eggsyobsessed
Summary: Years later, Eggsy lays Harry Hart to rest. Left with his belongings and a box full of Merlin's journals. Eggsy learns a lot more about their Quartermaster, whom he had lost so many years ago. Feelings that he had buried, are resurfacing.





	What Could Have Been and What Won't Ever Be

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AutumnSwitch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutumnSwitch/gifts).



> I am gifting this to AutumnSwitch, it was a request she had made about two months ago. An idea of a Tilwin where Eggsy makes a discovery years later that Merlin loved him, through journals left to him after Harry's passing. This is a post TGC fic, canon divergent.  
> Sorry, it took me so long to post this. It had been mostly written sitting in my docs since mid-August. Also included some soft smut between two people in love. (you know like we talked about, hehe)  
> I hope you love it! Hope it was everything we had talked about. 
> 
> So, this is my first long Tilwin, I'm really excited about it, and I hope you all enjoy it. 
> 
> Much Love <3 xoxo

It shouldn’t have surprised Eggsy that it would be cool and gloomy on a day like today. They were laying Harry Hart to rest. The man had lived to be 90 years old and only a year ago did he step down from Arthur.

Tilde had her arm weaved through Eggsy’s as he held an umbrella over their heads while the soft mist fell down on the crowd. There were many agents present. Their latest Quartermaster spoke of the late Arthur with affection.

Looking up, Eggsy’s eyes met those of whom cared deeply for Harry. To be honest, he didn’t think this day would come. A foolish thing to assume as no one lives forever, but they had stuck by each other after all that had happened once they defeated Poppy all those years ago.

He wouldn’t say keeping his position at Kingsman, and being a Prince was easy. There were many arguments and heartache along the way between Tilde and himself. But they made it work. Eggsy caught the gaze of his son and daughter.

There weren’t many secrets kept between them once Tilde became Queen. Sharing the identity of Kingsman with their children. It shouldn’t have been all that shocking when his son wanted to be a part of the organization. After all, Lee made a great Merlin and Eggsy could live with that, as it was one of the safest positions in the organization.

The reception was held in the ballroom of Kingsman. Most people gave their condolences to Eggsy and his family, considering Harry was like the father he never had and his kids even referred to him as their grandfather.

“Are we staying here tonight?” Tilde turned to him.

“We can fly back if you want,” Eggsy grabbed her hand and stroked his thumb over the top. He thought she was still the most beautiful woman even after all these years. Sixty eight suited her. Giving her a soft smile he turned his attention back to the crowd.

She looked at how his face was set. A mask her husband often wore when he didn’t want to show how much he was hurting. She could just see it in the way his brow furrowed just slightly, causing a crease to form in between. The lines around his mouth deeper with a small frown. Tilde wondered if her husband even realized he did this, “We’ll take a rest and stay here tonight.” She decided.

He looked at her and smiled, causing his crows feet to deepen, “Okay.” Eggsy slung his arm around her shoulder and continued to socialize. It was a little harder than he had expected, but with all of the training he had ingrained in him from being the Prince consort; he put on his best smile.

It was silly. Eggsy knew he wouldn’t be fooling anyone in that room, but he would rather express his emotions in private with his wife later. Not that he hadn’t already, but it was different today. The only person he had known as a father was now with other fallen members of Kingsman. Today, Eggsy wore Harry’s medallion proud along with his father’s.

*

They had been back at Stockholm for a few days, and Eggsy was just now digging into the boxes left to him from Harry. Of course, the man would leave his dead butterflies to Eggsy. He wasn’t shocked when one held Mr. Pickle. He shook his head and smiled. Not having the heart to throw out anything that Harry held close.

He began to take the tape off of another and frowned. It was full of what appeared to be leather journals and inside was a noted.

 

_My Dear Boy,_

_You would be receiving this once I had passed. I do hope it wasn’t too soon for you. These were left to me by our good friend, Merlin. You will find some of the information in these journals useful and some I’m sure will shock you._

_I know how much he meant to you and it only seemed right you would be given possession of them. I hope I did right by you, Eggsy and that my absence won’t cause you too much pain. You were the son I never had and our time together I will forever cherish wherever I may go from here._

_Take care of yourself,_

_H. Hart_

 

Eggsy smiled, feeling the trickle of a few tears slip down his cheeks. Sitting back in his office chair, he took the top journal and opened it. It was filled with information from when Merlin was a candidate. Apparently, he was in the running for Galahad along with Harry and was kept because of his knowledge and promise.

He was almost done with it when he heard a noise at the door, “Hi babe.” Eggsy smiled at his wife.

“You coming to bed?” She asked running her hands over his shoulders.

“Yeah,” He marked the page and stood. Tucking a loose strand of white hair behind her ear, he gave her a kiss.

“What were you reading?”

“Harry left me some of Merlin’s old journals,” He wound his arms around her waist and smoothed his palms over the silk of her nightgown. Eggsy sighed and leaned his head against her forehead, “Miss him.”

“I know you do,” Tilde ran her fingers through his grey hair. “Come on,” Taking his hand, she lead the way to their room.

*

Eggsy found himself bringing some of the journals to work with him, reading them between meetings. He was grateful that Harry had an HQ built in Sweden. It was a blessing while the kids were growing up, not wanting to miss anything once his children were born. So once he took over as Arthur, he didn’t have to move back to London. It wasn’t that his kids were babies anymore, but Eggsy had grown accustomed to Stockholm over the years.

Since there was now an HQ in London, Scotland, and Sweden that meant the agency had grown immensely. He was engrossed in reading about the candidacy of Percival. It was the same Percival who had recruited Roxy. A knock on the wood of his office startled him, “Come in.” He placed it down.

“Arthur.”

“Yes, Merlin. What did you need?” It still struck Eggsy as odd referring to his son in that manner. He couldn’t help himself sometimes and stare at Lee. He looked so much like himself, but with blonde hair and striking blue eyes inherited from Tilde.

“Permission to leave early, sir. Emrys has taken over the coms and it is past five now,” Lee glanced at his watch. “Surprised you’re still here.”

He smiled, “Yes you may leave. I was just going to head out.” Eggsy lied. He hadn’t realized the time. Watching him turn away Lee stopped at the door, “See you tomorrow for dinner, right?”

“We’ll be there,” Eggsy promised his son. He waited until Lee was gone and went back to reading. He felt completely wrapped up in how Merlin thought and what went through his mind. The man had had every candidate carefully analyzed and each time he was correct who would win out.

Almost allowing his curiosity win out Eggsy was going to jump ahead to his candidacy, but plucked on and read in order. He ended up staying at HQ until he got a call from his wife. It was after eight at night when he arrived to the palace.

Tilde was already in bed and reading from her tablet, “I was worried. Lee had called and said you would be home shortly. That was 3 hours ago.” She watched her husband carefully remove his suit.

“I’m sorry love,” Eggsy said slipping in next to her.

“At least give me a call?” Her fingers moved along his chest, “I worry.” She admitted.

“I know,” Eggsy whispered and pulled her into his arms. He should know better than to not let her know. So many nights he would be gone on missions and one too many close calls had his wife on edge. Even with his position as Arthur. The fear was ingrained into Tilde.

Turning in his hold to face him Tilde placed her lips softly to Eggsy’s, “I know it’s silly now. Your position is just a little more secure than before, but,” She paused rubbing the old scar on his lower abdomen.

“Promise I’ll call next time,” He kissed her forehead.

She smiled up at him, causing her face to crinkle in a way that made his heart swell, “Good.” Tilde kissed the underside of his jaw.

*

These journals were consuming all of Eggsy’s free time. Becoming trapped in all of the little notes Merlin had left. Some of them were hard to read. Like the first time, he lost an agent while he was guiding them.

 

_August 20th, 1991_

_Gareth was a good man and even better agent. I tried to get him out as quick as possible. We had our pilots up and out without even proper safety checks to pull him out._

_Arthur told me he had a wife and child at home. Though I’m sure Chester purposefully told me that to make me feel even more guilty...a life lost on my watch. I don’t know if I can do this. I hadn’t lost anyone yet in my 6 years as Merlin._

_Harry tells me it is not my fault. And maybe it isn’t, but the guilt weighs heavily on me. I just hope I don’t become callused to lost lives like my predecessor._

 

Eggsy stared at the page feeling his eyes moisten. Even then Chester was a right bastard. He felt grateful that when Merlin was alive he hadn’t become cold. The man had a great heart and it was something Eggsy had missed terribly when he had died. He thought back on Cambodia and his heart had felt hollow. They weren’t even able to find a body to bury. Placing the book down, he ran his hands over his face.

His mind wandering to all of the fallen agents he had seen over the years, if you allowed it the grief would choke you. Only being in the position to be responsible of sending men out to their fate for the past year, and Eggsy felt it deep in his bones. Only one agent was killed during active duty in that time. He hoped he didn’t have to go through it again anytime soon.

The fear he had felt when his son told him he had wanted to join had crippled Eggsy. So much so he hadn’t put him up during candidacy, but rather another agent. At the time it was Percival who was retiring out and Eggsy was eternally grateful that his son lost out, but was kept to replace the Merlin before him. He thought how his Merlin would have been proud.

Sighing to himself, Eggsy went to the next journal. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed or how dark it had become outside of the palace windows. There was a soft noise at the door causing him to look up. A smile played on his lips as Amelia walked through.

“Hey,” She sat carefully on a chair.

He thought how grown up she looked and how beautiful she was. In every way like her mother, their daughter was. Eggsy glanced at his watch, frowning just a bit. He had lost track not realizing how late it actually was, “When did you get in?”

“About an hour ago. Mamma said you’d be in here,” Amelia crossed a leg.

“Oh, did she?”

“Mhm,” She hummed a little tucking her honey-brown hair behind an ear.

Eggsy didn’t miss the added jewelry to her left hand, “He proposed?” It came out as a whisper. He had known her boyfriend of the past five years had this planned, having already asked Eggsy and Tilde for her hand. His daughter’s answering smile was blinding.

“He did,” She met the embrace from her father quickly.

“Congratulations, love.”

“Thanks, Pappa.” He could hear the tears in her voice. Looking over her head, he saw Tilde leaning against the doorframe.

“Is William here with you?” Eggsy asked holding her at arm's length.

“He comes in tomorrow,” She wiped away her tears.

Placing a gentle kiss to her forehead, “Do you have a date set?”

“No, he just did it before I left. I was a little mad he hadn’t done it sooner so that I could properly gush about it with him. But, it’s okay. I must call a few friends, just wanted to tell you first.” She buried her face into his shirt and returned the hug tightly.

“Okay,” Eggsy let her go and closed the space between himself and Tilde. “Guess there’s a wedding to be had,” He murmured into her neck.

“It appears so,” Tilde answered.

*

It was just after midnight on a cool winter night when he came across his father’s candidacy. He was surprised that Merlin had pegged him as one of the ones to have fallen out earlier. There were a few pages on how James had shown the most promise and another man by the name of Greg. He felt Tilde stir beside him and brought a hand out to stroke her hair while he continued to read.

Merlin had started to notice Lee’s skills further into the trials. Skimming through his distaste for the other men running for Lancelot. And apparently, despite James' skill, he was a prick.

Eggsy chuckled a little at how Merlin described the man. He thought it humorous that he was referred to a second peacock in the organization. And Eggsy couldn’t help but think Harry was the first. His face pulled into a frown with each turn of the page.

 

_December 20th, 1997_

_In my eleven years doing this I have not ever seen such bravery before. And that of a candidate. Harry should have been more thorough with his check. I always wondered why Chester insisted we bring the two last candidates out on a mission if both passed the dog test._

_The man had a young son and wife. And if it weren’t for him I would not be here today. I know Harry feels similarly. I wish there was more Kingsman could do for a family from the estates other than a piece of metal._

_The King doesn’t agree with me. Having an argument with him, I got suspended for a week without pay. I don’t care, could use a vacation anyway. It doesn’t get easier to lose someone, and it’s even harder when they have a family._

_We will forever be in debt for Lee Unwin’s bravery. I’ll say a prayer for him and his remaining family once I finish. Harry shall be joining me in a toast to honor him. We hope he can forgive us for having failed him._

 

His movements were stilled over Tilde’s head as he finished it. Eggsy’s heart was heavy for the pain evoked in the entry. He hadn’t known they were both so affected by his father’s death. He did know, however, Harry was haunted by it. Even later in life. Eggsy had tried to assure him time and time again he didn’t need to repay him. He had been given everything and more by joining Kingsman.

“Eggsy?” Tilde asked voice scratchy with sleep.

Looking down on her he hadn’t realized there were tears there until she kissed them away, “You need to stop reading these.” Allowing his wife to remove his glasses and take the journal away.

He snuggled close to her chest as his wife coddled him a bit, “I know.” He breathed her in while she hummed a tune that has comforted him. So many nights waking from nightmares, but his wife was always there and able to lull him back into dreamless sleep.

“Want to talk about it?”

“Read the entry after my father’s death. Knew it would be in there at some point. Didn’t expect it to have affected more than just Harry.”

She cupped his cheek and red rimmed eyes looked back at her, “I’m sorry.” Tilde swiped her thumb over his face removing the fallen tear. Her heart hurt for all of the pain her husband’s job brought him. Slinking down, she held Eggsy close and returned to the soft melody that always soothed him.

Feeling fingers running through his grey hair, it was easy for Eggsy to find sleep.

*

Eggsy hadn’t touched a journal in well over a month. Having thrown himself into helping with Amelia’s wedding planning and Lee was staying at the palace with his wife and two children. He was well occupied and Christmas was just a week away.

It wasn’t until one evening when Oscar ran into his office and found them.

“Come back here,” Lee chased after his three year old son. He took the journal out of the young boy's hand and carried him along. Dropping it in his father’s lap in the sitting room.

“Where did you get this?” Eggsy asked.

“Oscar got ahead of me and found it in your office,” Lee explained, setting his son down who only climbed on Eggsy’s lap.

He caught his wife's glare. Eggsy knew better than to leave his office unlocked with little hands around. Something he had done from the time his children were little.

“Read to me,” Oscar snuggled in closer.

“It’s not a book for reading,” Eggsy set it aside and chuckled at the pout his grandson gave him. “I’ll read you a story before bed, how’s that?”

“Okay,” The little boy quickly perked up.

Getting Oscar settled into bed, and then after reading to both of his grandson’s, Eggsy sauntered in while Tilde applied cream to her arms. He smiled when she caught his gaze in her vanity mirror.

“What?” She asked turning.

He set the journal on the nightstand and smoothed his hands over her shoulders and down her chest. Eggsy stared at their reflection in the mirror before peppering kisses along her neck.

“What are you up to, Gary Unwin?”

“Can’t show my wife some love?” He nuzzled in her hair.

“Kids are here,” She craned her neck back, eyes fluttering shut as he cupped her breasts.

“Mhm,” He hummed. “They’re adults you know.”

Her breath was a little quicker, “Grandchildren.” She reminded him and felt the smile against her skin.

“Sleeping,” He informed her. “Besides,” a few more kisses behind her ear, down to the nape of her neck. “We have locks on our doors,” Eggsy stepped back and enjoyed the slight flush from arousal on her skin.

“Well,” She got up. “Go lock the door then,” She gave him a little nudge and giggled watching him stumble over feet to do just that.

A smile plastered to her face when Eggsy began to undress coming back to her. She slipped a strap to her gown off of her shoulder and then the other enjoying the way his eyes got bigger when it fell to her feet. Tilde would have felt self conscious about her older body, but Eggsy always made her feel like there was no one else in the world he wanted.

“Is it possible you get more beautiful as the years pass?” He breathed, taking her hand guiding her. He brought his hands under her and lifted her onto the bed. Eggsy brushed her hair out of her eyes, “So wonderful.”

She preened at the praise, “You know how to make an old woman blush.” Tilde laughed, feeling the goosebumps rise on her skin as his fingers glided down and over her ribs.

“Nothing old about you, love,” He placed his lips softly to hers and slid a hand down her body to cup her groin, and slipped a finger in her. He added another. His thumb stroking over her clit, not breaking the kiss as she whimpered and wriggled beneath him.

Tilde fisted her hands in his hair, tugging a bit as he worked her over. A gasp broke from her lips, “Eggsy.” She could feel how close she was under his skillful hands. It had been a fair bit of time since he had shown her this much attention in bed. Between work and her being Queen, it made love making difficult.

Continuing down her neck and over her chest, Eggsy kissed along her collarbone and over each of her breasts. Nipping and suckling each nipple as he moved. He could feel himself grow harder with each pant and moan his wife made. Feeling her back arch and the warmth of her arousal as he pumped his fingers.

She shuddered while he circled his thumb over her clit. A sheen of sweat covering her body rubbing the skin of his cheek, she leaned up and stole a kiss. Tilde wrapped her legs around his waist as he situated himself there.

He took himself and ran a palm over his cock coating it with his wife's arousal, Eggsy stared at her as he eased himself in. He just sat there a moment allowing her to adjust. With a nod from her, Eggsy began to slowly rock his hips. Kissing her mouth gently, he slid his tongue between her lips and deepened the kiss.

Arms wrapped around his neck, Tilde racked her nails along his back. Breathing faster against his warm skin, she could feel another orgasm build.

Quickening his pace, he was soon spilling over, filling her with his come. He felt her let go a second time and their bodies were moist against one another. Bringing his head back Eggsy, enjoyed the sated look in her eyes. He situated them in a cuddle under the sheets.

“I love you,” He kissed her neck.

Rolling to face him, Tilde cradled his face, “I love you too.”

*

Eggsy waited until Tilde was snoring softly in his grasp before letting her go. Putting the lamp on dim, he donned his glasses and gathered the journal Oscar had grabbed earlier. It had been from his trials. He had made a promise to himself to read them all in order, but maybe fate had it he was to look into this one next. Not that his three year old grandson grabbing just this particular one was fate.

Something in him pulled and curiosity won over. This one was a little different than the rest. Where the past entries Merlin would give brief opinions on each candidate. But this time around he had written an entry for each person. Eggsy smiled to himself as he read over Charlie’s.

 

_C. Hesketh,_

_The lad may show promise. But then again he is Chester’s grandson. Not that anyone would know that but me. Almost slipped and told Harry._

_If he would let go of his prick attitude then he may have a standing leg in the running for Lancelot. Gun scores are decent and his entry exam was up to par. I know King is putting his money on his bloodline, but only time will tell if he lives up to his expectations. So far his teamwork needs improvement._

 

It didn’t shock Eggsy that Charlie was related to Chester King. It was something he had found out once they were rebuilding Kingsman after Poppy. He was going to continue reading more when Tilde began to blink awake.

“Eggsy,” She sighed and rubbed a hand over his abdomen.

Gently closing the thin leather and slipping down into his spot, Eggsy reached over shutting the light and pulling her body close, “I’m right here.” He saw the smile on her face and kissed her.

*

Eggsy had made a promise to his wife to avoid the journals for awhile longer. He knew better than to think she wouldn’t see the pain each entry caused him, but Eggsy was sure she didn’t know the root for all of the sorrow caused. He had taken a week off from Kingsman with the exception of save the world emergencies; Eggsy was left to putter around the palace while Tilde visited Germany for political reasons.

He was thankful it didn’t require the King consort this time. Though he let himself admit he missed her body beside him at night.

Lying in bed, he rubbed his palm over the cool leather of the journal. He opened it and began to read.

 

_September 12th, 2014_

_He’s like nothing I have ever seen. Lethal even. Bounding from one structure to the next on the course. Chester has his doubts, of course, considering his upbringing. And he’s Lee’s son. The man would be rolling in his grave if he knew my feelings growing towards Eggsy._

_The lad is in the final three and that is magnificent. Harry did well by picking him. Kingsman would be at a loss if he didn’t take the name Lancelot. His father would be proud of how he’s turned himself around. I know I am as is Harry._

 

Eggsy watched as his hand began to shake as he turned to the page. He wasn’t sure how much more he wanted to read. And he was home alone without the comfort of his wife.

 

_September 30th, 2014_

_Despite thinking Eggsy would make it, he had failed. Unable to shoot his dog even as they were blanks. But I checked the gun myself. It was loaded. The lad was right not to pull the trigger. Still made me laugh when I saw the footage and he had turned the gun on King. I really wish he had shot the man._

_I know Harry is deeply upset by his failure, though I reminded him Eggsy is anything but a failure. He just boarded the plane to head to Kentucky. I know he plans to give his apologies once he returns. Harry can be so hurtful at times when he is angry or disappointed. I’m hoping to convince Arthur to give Eggsy a place here. He is too valuable to let go._

_Maybe more valuable than I’d like to admit._

 

Feeling the sting to his nose and eyes Eggsy shut it for good, deciding he didn’t want to read on. The loss he felt in his heart shouldn’t be as intense as it was. Not after so many years of losing someone so close. He has had time to heal and move on. Thinking back on everything Eggsy was happy, content with his life and the memories he had built with Tilde and their kids.

But as he lay there with the feeling of a piece missing from his heart, Eggsy thought that maybe he wasn’t so satisfied with life. That night he fell asleep holding the book close, realizing that still had a lingering scent of Merlin embedded into the material.

*

Tilde sat across from him at the bistro table on the sunporch, “Are you alright?” She noticed the lost look about Eggsy’s face. Like he was there but somewhere else. It was something she had observed from the time she returned from Germany. He was staring out the window at the snow falling. Reaching her hand forward, she grabbed his.

The movement caused him to jump, but he turned his palm over and squeezed, “Eggsy.” Tilde said carefully, moving around to sit on his lap.

He looked up at her, the woman he had married over 30 years ago. Bright blue eyes stared back at him and he couldn’t help but feel sick to look at them. Not because he didn’t love her, but because the realization of what he thought was lust years ago had turned to be a deep love for a man who was not ever coming back.

And yet he sat in a palace with the most magnificent woman he had ever met, that he ever had the pleasure to know.

She took his face in her hands, forcing him to meet her gaze, “Are you feeling well?”

Taking a deep breath in he forced himself to smile, “Yeah. I’m fine.” Eggsy pecked her lips and rubbed her back. The look his wife gave him told Eggsy she wasn’t convinced, but he was grateful the matter was dropped.

*

There was a fire going in the front room and he decided to take another peek at what else Merlin had to say about the events after his failed candidacy. He had read over Harry’s death and where Merlin was full of sorrow, that wasn’t the passage that had bothered him the most. Each one was no longer dated, but Eggsy didn’t need them to know when each event took place.

 

_Harry would have been proud. Eggsy helped defeat Valentine and he was the one to sniff Chester out. He knew the bastard was no good anyway. I had a few glasses of champagne waiting for when he was finished. But the lad sought solace in the comfort of the young princess._

_I had to close the coms to avoid looking and listening to what they were doing. I thought there was a spark of something between us. Though it was foolish to assume, as I had not made any advances on Eggsy. Nor had I been forward enough to make my feelings known._

_Perhaps I was reading it all wrong in the heat of what Valentine was doing._

Eggsy covered his face with both hands. Each entry was filled with more love and longing than the last. He can remember how he felt. How that piercing stare from Merlin could cut right through his soul and see into him. He thought he was imagining things when he would catch Merlin staring at him in the meetings at Kingsman. Eggsy was slowly realizing it was all real.

Thinking back on it, Eggsy had always thought Merlin to be a very good looking man. He was certain Merlin wasn’t into blokes or perhaps having any sort of romantic relationship in general. Regardless he read on. More passages filled the pages with new candidates and the voting in of the new Arthur. Hearing the click of Tilde’s shoes against the tile Eggsy closed the journal and set it aside.

“Reading?” She quirked a brow settling in beside him.

Pulling her flush to his side, “Mhm.” His wife had inquired to read these journals herself, but considering the sensitivity of some of the information in the passages, Eggsy was reluctant. Though with his position as Arthur, he figured some she would be able to read. He had some set aside in the event he’d share them with Tilde, but with the new information coming to light on Merlin’s feelings for Eggsy; he wasn’t so sure it would be wise.

*

_The way he moves. The look in his blue-green eyes, they almost shine in the light. I wonder if he notices the extra care I put into his missions? Or the glances between us in the dining room? Filled with more words than we could ever speak._

_But I’m sure he doesn’t. How could he? With a woman as lovely as Tilde to call his own. A princess after all. With Harry gone, these journals are the only thing to keep my secrets. I cannot tell anyone else my feelings. There wouldn’t be anyone who would understand. Maybe...maybe someday I can admit them to Eggsy. I just hope when I muster up the courage to do so, it won’t be too late._

 

Eggsy wasn’t sure what he should feel right then, mourning the love that he really never had the chance to experience. But he did notice all of the looks, stares, soft touches when they’d pass in the halls. More longing lingering in the brush of hands between them. How could Merlin not have seen it? Read the signs, plain as day to Eggsy, but not to the man who he’d never be able to confess these feelings to. A sickness settling in his stomach, what was wrong with him? He had a beautiful wife, a family. Eggsy was letting the words of a man gone for well over three decades run his emotions. Wiping away the stray tear that escaped, Eggsy tossed the journal to the side. He sat in his office for well over an hour, not realizing anyone had entered, Eggsy looked up when Tilde strode in.

“Thought I’d find you here,” She murmured, her face guarded. Her husband had been withdrawing from her, burying himself in his work, throwing his attention into the planning of their daughter's wedding.

His gaze shifted, avoiding her eyes, “Yeah.” It came out barely a whisper. Eggsy knew he owed Tilde more than this, the way he was acting was inexcusable. But damn if he could get his heart together enough to be the proper husband she deserved.

Shifting beside him, a cautious hand in his hair, “Please come to bed.” Her eyes pleading, voice begging. Nights spent falling asleep alone, and waking up that way. She wasn’t sure what was consuming so much of Eggsy’s time, but she missed him there. And even when he was there, he wasn’t really. It was like sleeping with a ghost.

Entrapping her hand in his, Eggsy looked at her, and then just realized how late it must have been. The soft pink silk of her gown wrinkled in places, she must have been asleep. Observing the way her hair was mussed, “What time is it?” He asked, sounding far away. A glance at the clock showed it was past one in the morning. Tiredly rubbing his face, Eggsy stood, “I’m sorry.” The apology held so much more than not making it to bed in time. By the look on Tilde’s face, Eggsy could tell she understood.

The warmth of her body surrounding him, it wasn’t her he thought of. Mind wandering to the one person who made him feel so many things in just three short years. Yet here he was, holding the most wonderful thing that could have happened to him. The woman who gave him years of happiness, carried and bared their children. It was like he was fighting with himself, between the loss Eggsy felt deep in his heart for a man who hadn’t held it, and the disgust he felt for not appreciating what he had right in front of him. Closing his eyes, Eggsy drifted off, dreaming of kind hazel eyes.

*

Eggsy was stuck in London for the next week, needing to be present for a few mandatory meetings between all of the headquarters of Kingsman. It only seemed befitting that they all went to the original one. He was making sure to facetime his wife every night, just aware that he missed her terribly. Even with all of the emotional distance he had felt between them, Eggsy loved her.

Settling in for the night, after disconnecting the call from his wife. Eggsy dug out another journal he had brought with him. It didn’t surprise him when he came across the ones that involved the discovery of Harry, how relieved Merlin had been. Eggsy was very grateful to the Statesman since, each year they got together. It was something that Harry had started once he took over as Arthur, Eggsy carrying on the tradition.

Reading glasses in place, Eggsy’s hand paused over the page. Did he want to read this? The passages deeper than the one before, more love and desire entered into each one. It was like Eggsy could feel it, as if Merlin was saying this all to him. A part of him wanted to punch Harry for leaving them to him, Eggsy was sure he had read them, knowing what they contained. Too weak to restrain himself, Eggsy began to read.

 

_There isn’t much time to write a thorough entry like I would have hoped. Heading to Cambodia now with Harry and Eggsy. Of course, another save the world situation. It’s funny, the second time in three years that we are needed to come to the rescue of the world. And it isn’t a shock Eggsy is behind us. I am in awe of his strength and bravery, as I am for Harry, but with Eggsy it’s more. The lad is much more than he seems._

_Once all of this is over, I am going to tell him how I feel. I’ve noticed the touches, the way he looks at me and_ I him _. It’s time I tell him the truth, there’s no way I’ll know if he feels the same way unless I confess. He needs to know I love him, and even if he chooses Tilde over me, at least I know I came clean and didn’t live with the secret eating me up forever._

_Should write another entry once we’ve stopped Poppy._

 

Eggsy hadn’t realized he was sobbing, in front of the fire, he almost tossed the journal in there. Realizing he was too close, a corner caught a light, quickly putting it out, Eggsy slumped into the nearby chair. Hands shaking, Eggsy held his head in his grasp. He was trying to remember the breathing exercises he was taught back when his PTSD was bad. Feeling as if he couldn’t catch his breath, the room closing in on him. Because Merlin never came back, and suddenly he wasn’t in his room anymore.

The sounds of the tree’s around him, the deep baritone voice bellowing out Country Roads by John Denver could be heard. Fear deep in his throat, heart pounding so hard it echoed in his ears. Hand clenching the pistol so hard, Eggsy felt it cut into his palm. Watching helplessly as Poppy’s men advanced the one he loved, the man he hadn’t told a single feeling to. Nodding his head when Merlin gave him the signal, his eyes burning with tears. Squeezing them shut as the boom sounded, the earth shook from the explosion, and it was over. He was gone, Merlin wasn’t coming back.

Opening his eyes, Eggsy was screaming, hadn’t noticed he was making any sounds. Cheeks wet with the moisture falling from his eyes, wildly looking around the room. Pulling on trackies and trainers, Eggsy left. He was running well before he was even out of the estate. Various calls came through his Kingsman glasses, discarding them somewhere on the properties lawn. He kept going, needing the distance. Pulling in deep breaths of the cool air, rain coming down, soaking his hair, clothes, and shoes.

The only thing he heard was his feet hitting the grass, finding his way easily around the obstacle course that they still used. Eggsy easily maneuvered around it, moving as if he wasn’t sixty years old, like he hadn’t been out of the field for almost two years. He didn’t stop until he was running through the grounds graveyard. Where all of the Kingsman was buried, but there wasn’t much left of Merlin to bury once they found him.

Sitting on the damp ground, knee’s to his chest, Eggsy didn’t care. Time had passed, and he wasn’t sure how much of it had gone by. It wasn’t long before someone was beside him, and it wasn’t surprising when it was his son. Eggsy didn’t look at him, not sure he could, even though Lee carried more traits from Eggsy, he still held some from Tilde. The shame he felt thinking about his wife, had a new set of tears running down his face. He was thankful it was raining, his son wouldn’t notice.

“You’re going to get sick,” Lee worried, placing the jacket over his father’s shoulders. He didn’t miss it that he was shivering.

Eggsy didn’t tell his son he wasn’t cold, that he was shaking from the adrenaline coursing through his veins. Nonetheless, Eggsy tightened the coat around him, leaning into the warmth Lee offered. They didn’t say anything, not really having too, and a part of him wondered if his son knew. If Lee had, he didn’t mention it.

*

Returning home three days after, Eggsy wasn’t sure if he could face his wife. Knowing she wouldn’t understand why he appeared to have not slept for days, and that’s because he hadn’t. Wishing he could cover the dark circles and bags under his eyes, Eggsy walked in, it was just past eight at night, he was sure Tilde would have been waiting for him in the front room, but all were empty. The first floor of the palace bare of anyone awake. Passing the guards in the hall, Eggsy entered their bedroom.

She was up, back against the headboard, reading. Eggsy sighed, relief washed over him that she had waited up and guilt settled in with his new found knowledge. Carefully freeing himself of his clothes, Eggsy slid in beside her. Going to kiss her cheek, he stopped short, heart plummeting into his stomach. One of Merlin’s journal’s in her grasp, Eggsy wanted to say something. To explain what they were, but the words jumped off of the page and screamed at him. The confessions of Merlin’s heart right there.

“How long have you known this?” Tilde turned, questioning him. Her gaze met his, and she could see the discomfort on his features. Closing the leather, she placed it on her nightstand, giving her full attention to the man she married. Her heart felt betrayed, but she knew that Eggsy had only been in possession of the journals for a year. Even still, it was weighing heavily on her chest.

He wanted to answer her, Eggsy truly did, but the words were stuck. Mouth gone dry, tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth, like there was paste holding it there.

“This is why you have been so distant? So...far from me?” Her voice just a whisper, but carried all of the sorrow through the room. “Did you love him?” She asked quietly, “Gary Unwin answer me.” Tilde was losing patience, she hadn’t ever used his given name.

“I did...do,” Eggsy sighed. “Once, a long time ago. Yes I did,” He admitted. The silence stretched on forever it seemed. Eggsy wanted to hold her, assure her that it wasn’t what it had seemed, but he couldn’t. Didn’t know how to, and he figured that was worse.

Tilde took in a shaky breath, her eyes welling with tears, “I wanted to know. I didn’t read them to betray you.” She pulled away when he tried to grab her, “You were here and weren’t. It was like I had lost you, lost my husband.” Voice wet with emotion, “Was it not enough? Am I not enough? Our kids…” She trailed off, hand covering her mouth to stifle the sob.

Despite her protests, Eggsy held her close, just let her cry into his shoulder. He waited until she was finished, feeling her tense posture in his hold, “You are enough.” And as he said the words, they couldn’t be truer. He loved Merlin, yes, of course he did. But he also loved Tilde, his heart big enough to carry them both.

She cautiously looked into his eyes, Tilde’s heart ached, he looked so tired, “Did you not sleep?” Tilde swiped a finger over the bag beneath his left eye, frowning as she observed the purple-blue colors there. The evidence of his lack of rest were obvious. 

“I had a hard time,” Eggsy allowed. “I do love him, but I love you more. I don’t regret a single second of our lives together, our kids, grandchildren. I don’t regret any of it.” Shutting his eyes, Eggsy leaned his forehead against hers, taking a deep breath, “I’m so sorry I haven’t been here for you. I was so wrapped up in what I was reading, knowing my own feelings on the matter, it was easy to ignore it. But then, discovering he felt the same way. It was too much, I was going to tell you. Swear down I was.” Eggsy promised, pressing his lips firmly to hers, sighing when she returned the kiss, “I love you so much, I can’t be without you.”

Regardless of the pain she felt, Tilde loved him too, how could she not? “I’m not going anywhere,” She assured him, and she wasn’t. The situated in the bed, Tilde wrapped securely around the arms that provided her support and comfort. She gave a few soft kisses to the bare skin of his chest, “We’ll be okay.” Tilde could feel it in her bones, they would be alright.

“Yeah,” Dipping his face in, he kissed her firmly, and in that moment, Eggsy knew that they would make it through this. Having been through so much together. “We’ll be fine,” Tightening his grasp around her, “I love you.” He whispered into the softness of her hair.

“I love you too,” She murmured before they fell asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, I hope you all enjoyed it. I am working to try to write more Tilwin, getting my feet wet with this.  
> Special thanks to, Dravni for beta reading for me!
> 
> Love you all!


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